When a father gives his daughter an emotional visa to strike out on her own, he is always with her. Such a daughter has her encouraging, understanding daddy in her head, cheering her on-not simply as a woman but as a whole, unique human being with unlimited possibilities.
- Victoria Secunda, U.S. psychologist and author. Women and Their Fathers, (1992).
So clearly, it’s no secret that I have the best dad in the world. But in these past few weeks, my dad has gone above and beyond the call of duty to earn his rank of number one dad.
I mean… how many dads, when told that their college graduate is veritably job-less and needs to move back home and mooch off of them for 6 months, say, “I am glad you will be here in the fall, you can accompany me to the Stars games”?
Anyway, after all the chaos about my decision to teach in Korea settled down, my dad called to tell me that he scheduled a business meeting in Chicago on Thursday so he can fly up and hear about my exciting plans in person. He’s flying in in the morning, meeting with clients in the afternoon, taking me to My Pie for dinner at 5, and then heading to the airport at 7 to catch a flight back home. I LOVE MY DAD.
Just knowing that he will turn his work schedule upside down to be with me during this period is so amazing. Also for those who don’t know, My Pie is a really special pizza place that happens to be right across the street from my apartment. It is where my dad used to take my mom on dates when he was a student at DePaul. We go there every time he is in town and it kind of reminds me the connection we have over having the same alma mater.
The last time we went there, our waiter made some off-color remark about what a lucky guy my dad was to be out with a star. Clearly the waiter was confused on a few levels. I sometimes wonder what it’s like for my dad. I try to ignore comments like that and I’ve had much more experience with ignorant people. But I’m sure it’s hard for my dad to have people think that his daughter is his date, although he never expresses it.
Something I’ve come to realize, though, is that I do want to marry someone like my father. Not in any creepy incestual way, but because my dad is my prototypical definition of a good man. He has always put others, his family specifically, before himself and his own ambitions. I meet guys who are so blinded by material things and society’s expectations of them to be successful. Who are afraid of being tied down and think that their manhood is defined by the women they screw/over in their lifetime. Some who are intimidated by women’s recently attained (albeit still lacking) power in the workplace and want to keep the opposite sex dependent upon them.
My dad is not ashamed that my mom has a higher level of education than him. He supported her while she got her Master’s degree and never once urged her to quit working. Someone asked me the other day what I thought the key to my parents’ happy marriage was. At the time, I gave the answer of communication, but it is much much deeper than that. Love is an ability. One that, I’m sorry to generalize, but I have not seen in many men that I have met. Machismo, ego… gets in the way of their ability.
My dad is the manliest guy I know. He can answer any sports trivia that you throw at him, or identify classic cars by year, model, and in which Hollywood car chase scene it was featured. But he truly appreciates the women in his life– trusting their judgment and supporting them unconditionally. Aka… my mom wears the pants in the family. This does not make him less of a guy’s guy. It makes him a wonderful father. (And me, the most shameless self-proclaimed Daddy’s girl)
I admire his ability to combine pragmatism and affection so well. My mom and I are just as close, but sometimes our emotions cloud our judgment. My dad is always so rational and collected, but he never fails to express his love. Sometimes I have this idea that a relationship has to be super passionate and romantic to be real. Now that I’m older and thinking about my own future family, I want someone with my dad’s traits. Who, if I have a headstrong daughter wanting to move out of the country for a year, will be the one to say, “We love you. Go.”
Also– for my dad’s sake, he has to be able to talk about hockey or old cars. Everything else, we’ll work out down the line.
To conclude, I want to share the e-mail my dad sent me when I returned from Korea. The one to which I refer in this entry. It’s actually kind of amusing because even though my mom is the librarian and writer, my dad always sends me these really heartfelt and eloquent e-mails during times of emotional turmoil, despite having been the guy who in college, skipped class to play foosball.
Hi Steph,
How are you feeling, I can’t imagine how your body clock is reacting to a 14 hour time zone change, we only had 7 hour difference in Italy and it seemed like it took a good week to feel ok.
I also wanted to wish you well in your interview. I know you are not sure what direction you want to go and just want you to know that we will support you whatever you do. I know the emotions from the news you received in Korea are causing you to wonder what is the right thing to do. To find out your biological father passed away 4 years ago and to find out you have 2 sisters is such a hard thing to grasp. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like. I just want you to know Mom and I are here for you and we will help in anyway we can.
Steph, you have to follow your heart in choosing what is the best thing in life at this moment. I think a opportunity to work overseas in Seoul would be a fantastic opportunity which does not present itself all the time. It is also one of those opportunities that is easier to capitalize on when you are 22 or 23 and not tied down to a career yet or a relationship. The satisfaction you might receive from giving back to fellow Koreans who are not as fortunate as you are is priceless. It would be rewarding work and would be an excellent feather in your cap on your resume when you come back home. The DePaul job if you are offered it would also represent a great opportunity in a field you love and studied the last 4 years. One thing you can do after the interview is to write down the pros and cons of each job and try and use that in assisting you in your decision. Sometimes writing things like that down help you make a more informed decision because you can compare the columns and helps you weigh each item and determine how important each one really is.
I know I have for sure one pro and one con for the Korea job and it is more heavily weighed in the con and that is we would miss you so much being so far away for so long. It would be hard to imagine only seeing you a few times in a year . The pro is that Mom and I would get our first trip to Asia and a personal tour guide.
Steph, take your time in making your decision, see how the interview goes and how the people are. Go in with an objective viewpoint and then compile your list. I think you will know in your gut what is the right thing and that is usually the best decision maker anyway, what does your heart tell you to do and follow it.
I wish you were here so we could hug you and talk in person. Since we learned about the new information about your biological family it has been on our minds constantly and it has us worried about you and how you are coping with so much. Whatever happens is for a reason and know that we love you very much and will help you through this and support you whatever you decide to do. It will work out and always for the best.
Hang in there and know that this is an opportunity for you in many ways and that it will make you a stronger person.
Steph, we love you very very much.
Love Dad
